“You’re never going to learn,” she thought to herself, in between all the voices screaming in her head. So overwhelmed with the option of just giving up. To accepting the facts. That she’s not even close to where she wants to be. Deciding that she must be that easy to forget.
It was nice, for a little while. The lies keeping her warm. A heart pretending to care. Believing in something that was never really true.
But then she blinked and it was gone.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Next time
Days later and I am waiting again. Because waiting is all I can do. A little lamb reasoning with a hungry wolf. Thinking it will actually listen. I knew just how many steps I should take, but still I kept on walking. Crossing lines and killing time that should have been used for another conversation.
I juggle the opportunities like running chainsaws and then wonder why I’m bleeding. A little pain goes along way, like echoes in empty spaces. What I want to say stuck in my head. The stairs go up, but they lead to nothing. Just more bricks in a wall that’s already been built too high.
If I was someone else this might all be different. Say good-night and that would be enough. Morning comes and it’s another day. But I’m still me and it will never be enough.
I juggle the opportunities like running chainsaws and then wonder why I’m bleeding. A little pain goes along way, like echoes in empty spaces. What I want to say stuck in my head. The stairs go up, but they lead to nothing. Just more bricks in a wall that’s already been built too high.
If I was someone else this might all be different. Say good-night and that would be enough. Morning comes and it’s another day. But I’m still me and it will never be enough.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Closer
I guess I think I’ll find comfort in his answer. And when I don’t I ask again. Hoping for a different reply.
I start with the corners and work my way in, but this puzzle is never complete. Too many pieces that never fit, and not enough that do.
Part of the deterrent is knowing that I can only die once. If I don’t like it, I can’t try again. I keep thinking life might be better without all these walls. But it might also show me just how alone I am.
Believing I have nothing to offer the world that it hasn’t already seen a million times. Lost just the flipside of found. Assembling my future with tape and glue and then watching it all fall down.
Sometimes it feels like fiction. Choosing my words one syllable at a time. Counting backwards so it will seem like I am getting closer.
If only I could ever be close enough.
I start with the corners and work my way in, but this puzzle is never complete. Too many pieces that never fit, and not enough that do.
Part of the deterrent is knowing that I can only die once. If I don’t like it, I can’t try again. I keep thinking life might be better without all these walls. But it might also show me just how alone I am.
Believing I have nothing to offer the world that it hasn’t already seen a million times. Lost just the flipside of found. Assembling my future with tape and glue and then watching it all fall down.
Sometimes it feels like fiction. Choosing my words one syllable at a time. Counting backwards so it will seem like I am getting closer.
If only I could ever be close enough.
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